The recent incident of a distraught mother opting to send her newly adopted Russian son back to Moscow on a one-way-ticket prompted me to write this article. It's a cautionary tale with a happy ending in this case. As one of Cradle of Hope's "veteran" parents (Leonty, adopted 1993 at age 6.5 and Alexei and Sergei adopted 1996 ages 6.1 and 5.2 respectively) and as an on-line mentor to hundreds of parents who have endured significant difficulties with their adopted children, I both abhorred the recklessness of Torry Hansen's actions while understanding the desperation. Her reaction placed her son at terrible personal risk and put large numbers of Russian adoptions in peril, but it did serve as a very resounding (albeit perhaps unwanted) wake-up call. The purpose of my message is not to sugar-coat what can be a very challenging process....it is to show you what can and often does happen if you stick with it instead of panicking, stay focused on the needs of your child instead if abdicating your responsibilities (no matter how difficult they make life for you) and determine to go the distance. In some cases, you may need to recommit your intentions with each new day.

This summer, I have had the rare and incredibly rewarding opportunity of watching all three of my boys pass major milestones. In early May, I watched my son, Leonty, who joined our family in 1993 with significant autistic-like behaviors caused by severe learning disabilities, sensory issues and auditory/language processing problems graduate from High Point University with a degree in Sports Management - and he already has a job! A few weeks later, my youngest son, Sergei who we strongly suspect suffers from alcohol-related neurological disabilities and joined our family with a list of diagnoses as long as your arm graduated from his special occupational high school program of work/study. North Carolina is the only state in America that offers such a program to handicapped children. And finally, this month my middle boy, Alexei who came to us with raging Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and significant learning disabilities completed his first year of college and finished it with a more than decent GPA. Did we enter into the adoption process hoping we'd find special needs children with extraordinary challenges? No. We entered the process hoping, like most expectant adoptive parents that we'd find fully-intact though disadvantaged children who would benefit from living in a stable environment. Did we have moments when we worried we were over our heads or that we couldn't parent these children appropriately so they would reach their fullest potential? You bet we did - lots of them! But we also came to the conclusion that we, because of the resources we have close by were probably better equipped than a lot of folks to get them the help they would need - and to those ends, we were tireless.

We live in a large metropolitan area in the triad of North Carolina. Within a radius of 150 miles, we have two major teaching hospitals and 2 state universities with large departments that diagnose and treat complex neurological problems in children. We've been to three of the four looking for and finding answers. We also live in a large county with many school choices. Although we've occupied the same school district since adopting the boys, Sergei attended four different elementary schools over the course of six years - three public and one private - as we struggled to help find the instruction he needed to learn to read and manage basic life skills. The fact that these resources have been so close has been extremely helpful.

One of the refrains you'll often hear during the adoption process is "hope for the best; prepare for the worst". The accompanying refrain which plays in our heads and closely follows it goes," but the worst will never happen to us". Keep yourself from fully investing in that second refrain. It's not much fun looking for a good Neuropsychologist, speech pathologist, occupational therapist, or child psychiatrist in your local area when you think you may never need one nor is it exciting to have to interview your county special Education coordinator to see if there are appropriate programs for learning-disabled children. However, if you find that there are no resources in your local area or that good resources are too far away to be conveniently accessible, this should be a red-flag to you as an adopting parent of a child coming from Eastern Europe. There is plenty of access to good, factual, down-to-earth, scientifically-based information available about risk factors with post-institutionalized children. Good agencies like Cradle of Hope are conscientious about training prospective parents. Older children, like the boy from Tennessee who was sent back to Moscow may be at greatest risk. From my many years of working within the adoption community, it seems that the six-month adoption anniversary of an older child is a particularly critical time and here's the reason: communication has become very difficult due to the nearly total loss of the child's base language. And while he's been rapidly losing his base language, he hasn't had sufficient time to master much of the language of his new home - certainly not the complex and subtle language nuances he'll need for academics. Newly adopted older children are almost always placed into a school setting right away. Placement is often done by age rather than academic readiness which may put a child in the position of mastering a challenging curriculum with poor vocabulary skills. Frustrated children act-out and they sometimes get into trouble or have difficulty making friends. Add to this how hard a child is trying to learn the ins and outs of a brand-new culture while dealing privately with the emotions of being in his new family on top of dealing effectively with the grief he or she has endured prior to adoption. It's a lot for anyone, particularly a very young person who has just switched cultures, languages, living conditions, and family dynamics to handle with equanimity and grace. Seems like a "no-brainer" and that as a parent it would be so easy to stay in control of your emotions when your child is struggling, but when you're in the midst of this kind of a transition with a child whose behaviors can be extremely challenging AND you lack resources and support, it's understandable that you could lose focus and become desperate.

Nevertheless, you need to maintain a level head because you don't know how the story is going to end. Children aren't like books that let you skip to the back pages to see how things are going to turn out. Oftentimes, you're going to have to dig very deeply to find the answers, the patience, and the appropriate interventions to address the trauma these little people have suffered. You may feel like giving up. You may feel overwhelmed but you can't let that stand in the way of your commitment to do what's in the best interest of your child. The first thing to do if you find yourself in a situation like this is to get in touch with your adoption agency (or agencies if you used a different home study group) - not your travel agency. It goes without saying that we cannot send our children back once they are legally ours. We're not without options....this is just not one of them. Agency social workers have expertise that extends well beyond what it takes to put an adoption together. They can help you with strategies for your child's behavior management and make suggestions for appropriate therapies, and they can tell you what you need to do for yourself so you can stay afloat. That was exactly what I did back in 1996 after adopting little Sergei who came with all his unexpected baggage. Cradle was there on the phone each night we were in Moscow checking on how we were doing and after we came home we were in touch for several more years while our family did one therapy after another trying to help him. We wondered at times if he would ever be able to live independently but I've learned that all therapies have at least some benefit and some therapies do positive wonders. Over the years with consistent work Sergei's disabilities have become less impacting and it was clear that he was developing independent living skills. Just after his 18th birthday he finally managed to pass his driving test and get his driver's license. He also has a job and he drives himself to and from school and work. It seems such a normal thing but for Sergei this is huge.

One thing that has been a terrific advantage for all three of our boys has been participation in sports. My husband is the "sports guy". He played sports all the way through school as did his four biological kids. His two eldest grandchildren now carry on that tradition. The curious thing with our three boys is that they each played something different. Leonty was the basketball and soccer guy, Alex played ice hockey and lacrosse, and Sergei was the wrestler. Participation in sports gave them an identity and enabled each of them to be someone special at high school. Playing sports also gave them a non-academic outlet....a skill at which they could excel that didn't require reading or writing (because that was so hard for all of them). Because each boy had learning issues, we never pushed them to excel academically. Each had an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that provided them with the tools they needed to succeed in school if they chose to apply the effort. What we did do was encourage them to do the best they could, but when we adopted these boys, we had no "grand plan" for them to become stellar whiz kids. I saw my job as getting them through high school - anything past that would be icing on the cake, so to speak. Although Leonty sputtered his way through most of high school, he got better grades as he went along and did get accepted to a terrific private four-year university from which he has just graduated. With Alex and Sergei, both of whom had such tremendous learning disabilities, I had never expected that either would go on to higher education. Amazingly enough, Alex surprised us all, got terrific grades in high school and was accepted to a state university. Then it was breath-holding time for me because I had my doubts about his ability to successfully manage a full college load with his learning disabilities, but he did surprisingly well his first year. We had considered getting him "official" help from the disabilities office but Alex felt he didn't need it, so this first successful year was truly an individualized effort. He's an amazing young man!

Perhaps the biggest success story of all though is the little boy who came with so many problems. When he joined our family he weighed only 29 pounds and had no language at 5 years 2 months. We learned he had endured unspeakable trauma before he ever entered an orphanage. Nevertheless, after lots of hit and miss school placements, he has been able to thrive in his special high school program. Although it is still extremely difficult for him to read, he has always tried his hardest at school where he is indispensible to the staff and helps out whenever and wherever he's needed. His work/study program had him placed at Wake Forest University's Graylyn International Conference Center this past senior year. Only ten students in our entire county were lucky enough to get into this special program which had very stringent academic, discipline, and attendance requirements. It also required that the candidates go through an interview process. The program has been a tremendous success and it was such a thrill to watch these incredible young people graduate from it knowing how much of an academic struggle it's been for each and every one of them - and for their parents. These young people now have legitimate work experience and the skills they'll need to go forward and be productive members of the work force. By the time they had presented their work portfolios and given their speeches there wasn't a dry eye in the room! In addition, Sergei won the President's Award for Educational Achievement for maintaining a 4 point average his entire senior year.

So there you have our story - at least up to this point. We've had exceptional good luck and good professionals helping us all along the way and that has been critical to our successes. My three boys are now moving into that transition time when they're defining their own lives and will someday go on to start their own families. There are still lots of chapters to be written, but it's a (mostly) happy story up to this point and the good news is that it keeps getting better as it goes along. So the message I leave you with is this; even though things may seem insurmountable at the moment, don't let yourself become overwhelmed. Help is available from your agency but there are also large support groups on-line comprised of people who have gone through the bumpy parts, know what works and are ready and willing to assist. So, make sure, if you're planning an adoption from Eastern Europe that you line up your professionals in advance and know you have access to services you may need near enough to you that you can get to and from therapies without a great deal of driving. Finally, get all the training you can prior to adoption and never hesitate to reach out for help if you feel you're in over your head.